Welcome gay NASCAR fans!

Introducing The 2005 DeVine 91/2

Welcome, gay NASCAR fans! Wow, was it just me, or was the off-season REALLY LONG? On a recent Sunday, I overheard Dixie making this frantic call to Daytona Beach:

"Yes, Mr. France? It's Dixie Richardson in Atlanta. Listen, I hate to bother you, but y'all have GOT to put the races back on NOW! Why? I'll tell you why: Poor Betty Jack is so desperate for some fun on Sunday afternoons that she is in the kitchen watching FOOTBALL! You've got to help her, Mr. France!"

And friends, sadly, it did come to that: I was actually watching the Atlanta Falcons! What was I thinking???

Anyway, just a quick glance in the rearview mirror before we roar off into 2005 and meet the NEW DeVine 91/2 --

In 2004, our second NASCAR season, our team tore it up good: We had the Cup Champion (Kurt Busch), eight guys in the top ten, Jamie McMurray in the coveted million-dollar 11th place, Raybestos Rookie of the Year (Kasey Khane) and no one lower than 20th (Mikey). Way to race, dudes!

If there's one thing the racing media love to do, it's speculate on stuff that didn't or couldn't happen: "If the race ended right now, Bob..." So understandably there was a discussion of what would have happened if the 2004 season had been run under the "old" points system instead of the new "Chase for the Championship" formula. Applying the Sporting News' speculative calculation to my team, we would have had nine guys in the top 10 instead of eight. Jeff Gordon would have been the Champ. Jamie would have finished 7th instead of 11th, replacing Jeremy Mayfield in the top 10; Jeremy would have fallen to 15th.

There's certainly no denying that the new system gave us a bigger finish at Homestead-Miami, where a sellout crowd saw three drivers enter the bonus lap with their hopes for the championship still mathematically alive. That was a definite plus. On the downside, I disliked the way it made an ever-growing number of guys irrelevant, championship-wise, not just after Richmond but for many weeks before. Other than who is Champ, the big question of each season is who will be in the top 10 and be presented at the Waldorf banquet. (Talk about a queeny aspiration...) It was a big let-down to have the top 10 set down 10 races before the season's end -- a problem that NASCAR quickly identified and partially addressed by adding the million-dollar bonus for 11th place. All in all, considering how high the stakes were, I think NASCAR's bold new system performed well.

That said, Cup racing is all about moving forward -- very, very quickly -- so let's get ready to meet our new team! First, a word for those of you who are new to the site: The DeVine 91/2 is a fantasy team I made up to make watching NASCAR more fun for gay fans and their cool friends. We make no claim that any driver on the DeVine 91/2 is gay, and we have no information about whether any driver on the team might be gay. Our only claim about these dudes is that they are some of the hottest guys on the track, and they're a lot of fun to watch and scream for each week.

I said last year I would be making some changes on the team, and I have. All the guys I've eliminated are winners -- but you don't stay on this team by being boring. We love dudes who LOVE to race and who carry themselves like Max Power. Two of my cuts have political motivations and are some payback for the recent election. You'll see.


Jamie McMurray


BORN ON:June 3, 1976

BORN AT: Joplin, MO

STAYS AT: Huntersvile, NC

THIS BIG: 5-8; 150 lbs.

2004 CUP FINISH: 11th
( collected the $1 million bonus)

BEST 2004 FINISH: 2nd (Infineon and Martinsville-Fall)



CAR OWNER: Chip Ganassi

CREW CHIEF Donnie Wingo

SPONSOR: Texaco Havoline

CAR: Dodge

How's it hanging?

2004 was an incredible year for Jamie. He followed up his 2003 Raybestos Rookie of the Year-winning performance with a mighty impressive season that involved an especially tough break. After his crew brought the wrong car to Bristol in the Spring, NASCAR fined Jamie 25 points -- and, wouldn't you know it, he failed to make the Chase by 16 points.

Jamie was just ever-so downcast after he failed to make the cut at Richmond, but typical of his sunny disposition, he bounced back and won the special $1 million bonus that seemed created just for him. Watch for Jamie to get plenty of top 10s this year and to make the Chase cut with no problem. Also watch for NASCAR to continue to ride this charming guy's star quality: During the Daytona 500, look for some FOX commercials featuring Jamie and Kasey surfing in Hawaii, yum!

Why we love him:

What's not to love? With his gorgeous smile, adorable skater-dude accent and bright, sweet personality, Jamie is undoubtedly one of NASCAR's most irresistible attractions. Jamie entered Cup racing at the "instant legend" level in October 2002 at Lowe's: As a substitute driver for injured teammate Sterling Marlin, Jamie got his first Cup victory in only his 2nd Cup start. Right after that, we were there in person when he won his first Busch race at Atlanta. Ever since then, our motto has been GO JAMIE GO!

Kasey Kahne


BORN ON: April 10, 1980

BORN AT: Enumclaw, WA

STAYS AT: Huntersvile, NC

THIS BIG: 5-9; 140 lbs

2004 CUP FINISH: 13th
(Raybestos Rookie of the Year)

BEST 2004 FINISH: 2nd (Rockingham, Las Vegas, Texas, Michigan-Spring, California-Fall)



CAR OWNER: Ray Evernham

CREW CHEIF: Tommy Baldwin

SPONSOR: Dodge Dealers

CAR: Dodge

How's it hanging?

Kasey had an astonishing year in 2004, running away with the Raybestos Rookie of the Year Award, grabbing four Bud poles, and coming in 2nd five times. Slim, young Kasey may seem like a boy among men, but don't let the smooth taste fool you: This kid is wicked fast and a real speed monkey behind the wheel. Kasey can get rattled -- we've all seen his hands shaking after a wreck as he gulps on a revolting Mountain Dew -- but we're convinced he'll win this year and will finish at least a couple of slots higher than last year. Will he make the Chase? We say YES!

Why we love him:

Kasey's youth and innocence in such a rowdy sport are a real turn-on. When we saw him during the off-season on QVC's "For Race Fans Only," Kasey seemed was almost comically serious as he dutifully hawked the toy cars and imitation fire-suits. Kasey seems as nice as Jamie but still in awe of his position and extremely serious. We hope this year he'll loosen up a little and get a little goofy once in a while. GO KASEY!

Jeff Gordon


BORN ON: August 4, 1971

BORN AT: Vallejo, CA

STAYS AT: Charlotte, NC

THIS BIG: 5-7; 150 lbs.

2004 CUP FINISH: 3rd

BEST 2004 FINISH: 1st
(Talladega-Spring, California, Infineon, Daytona-Summer, Indianapolis)

HIGHEST CHAMPIONSHIP FINISH: Cup Champion (1995, 1997, 1998, 2001)


CAR OWNER: Rick Hendrick, Jeff Gordon

CREW CHEIF: Robbie Loomis


CAR: Chevrolet

How's it hanging?

Can the four-time Cup Champion do it again? Absolutly, and we say he will. Jeff had a great year in 2004 but made some silly mistakes, especially at the Bristol bullring. Jeff's victory over Jr. under the yellow flag at Talladega in the Spring brought a shower of trash on the track (thrown by trash in the stands) and caused NASCAR to institute the green-white-checkers rule in Cup.

Jeff is NASCAR's best-known current driver -- his multi-million-dollar divorce only added to his fame, and it seems to have freed him to enjoy his blessings as a rich, young hottie. The antipathy many fans harbor for Jeff -- in Atlanta, no one is booed louder -- is hard to understand, not to mention igg-nent, given his contributions to NASCAR's booming nationwide popularity. Our prediction? Your 2005 Cup Champion will be ... Jeff Gordon!

Why we love him:

We love Jeff's coolness -- his wicked smile -- his ability to get mad, get even, and get silly. And this year, we have a surprise for Jeff: we got him a "little buddy!" Keep reading...

Dale Earnhardt Jr.


BORN ON: October 10, 1974

BORN AT: Kannapolis, NC

STAYS AT: Mooresvile, NC

THIS BIG: 6-0; 165 lbs

2004 CUP FINISH: 5th

BEST 2004 FINISH: 1st
(Daytona-Spring, Atlanta-Spring, Richmond-Spring, Bristol-Summer, Talladega-Fall, Phoenix)



CAR OWNERr: Teresa Earnhardt

CREW CHIEF: Pete Rondeau

SPONSOR: Budweiser

CAR: Chevrolet

How's it hanging?

Looking at what a wild season Jr. had, his 2004 finish could easily have been much higher or much, much lower. Even making the Chase was an amazing accomplishment, considering that he was badly burned in a non-NASCAR race and had to undergo weeks of painful recovery. Ranked 3rd coming into Atlanta during the Chase, Jr. wrecked himself out and dropped to 5th -- a big set-back. Other than when he almost burned up, Jr.'s biggest media moment involved a saucy slip of the lip in a Victory Lane interview in Talladega when he happily uttered the s-word. In a move that struck many fans as Absolutly prissy, NASCAR fined Baby E 25 points. You had better know NASCAR dodged a PR meltdown nightmare when that 25 points didn't cost Jr. the Championship. Honey, it would have been barricades in the streets all over the South!

This year, Jr. switched crews with DEI teammate Michael Waltrip. Wouldn't it be weird if Mikey took off winning with the Tony Eury Jr.-led crew that Jr. sent packing? Also, watch for more fireworks between Jr. and Teresa Earnhardt of DEI -- Jr. dragged his feet before re-signing last year and may be ready to go mano-a-mano with his step-mama.

Why we love him:

I'll stick with what I wrote about Jr. last year: "To quote a line from 'The Simpsons,' 'All the guys want to be like him; all the women think they can change him'... That mighty red Monte Carlo is something to see... Jr. comes across as both passionate and lazy, a sexy combination you have to be Southern to truly appreciate... Jr.'s private life seems to revolve around the 'Dirty Mo' Posse,' or more simply, 'my buddies' ... Jr. has three kitty-cats, and one is named 'Buddy Love!'..."

Now there's no denying we were alarmed and disappointed to read that Jr. was one of the hapless celebrities dredged up to attend the Bush inaugural. But this is mitigated by the fact that Jr. asked his whole crew to go see "Fahrenheit 911," that he is a big rap music fan, and opposes flying the Rebel flag. Bottom line: This is a dude we'd like to hang with, and one we love to see take the checkers!

Michael Waltrip


BORN ON: April 30, 1963

BORN AT: Owensboro, KY

STAYS AT: Sherrills Ford, NC

THIS BIG: 6-5; 210 lbs.

2004 CUP FINISH: 20th

BEST 2004 FINISH: 2nd (Talladega-Spring)



CAR OWNER: Teresa Earnhardt

CREW CHEIF: Tony Eury Jr.


CAR: Chevrolet

How's it hanging?

Mikey's 2004 season was pretty sucky, really. Mikey drives the #15, but he never got above points position #16. Add to that, DEI began publicly yanking his chain and talking about firing him during the season -- more of that good old American motivation by terror.

It is reported that Mikey starts out this year with an ultimatum from DEI: Make the Chase or hit the highway. But wouldn't it be funny if that crew swap between the #15 and the #8 actually helped MIKEY? What if Eury Jr. says to Mikey, "Boy, I'm gonna give you every trick I held back from Jr." Can you imagine? We hope Mikey surprises his detractors and delights his many fans with a good run in 2005. GO MIKEY!

Why we love him:

Mikey is gorgeous, sexy, a crafty racer, and without a doubt the "nelliest" thing on the track. As a commentator of Speed TV, Mikey seems to revel in flaunting his enormous hands, unruly hair and "country boy in cosmetology school" accent. How could you not love this guy? Indeed, the "lovable thing" may be what's kept Mikey going this far: As Athlon Sports Racing observed: "Don't get us wrong, we love Mikey, but if he had Kenseth's dry personality, he would have been out at DEI by now."

Mark Martin


BORN ON: January 9, 1959

BORN AT: Batesville, AR

STAYS AT: Daytona Beach, FL

THIS BIG: 5-6; 135 lbs.

2004 CUP FINISH: 4th

BEST 2004 FINISH: 1st

HIGHEST CHAMPIONSHIP FINISH: 2nd (1990, 1994, 1998, 2002)


CAR OWNER: Jack Rousch

CREW CHIEF: Pat Tryson


CAR: Ford

How's it hanging?

No matter how Mark runs this season, he will be the object of much attention, as he is retiring after 2005. Mark's career has been one of great but ultimately unfulfilled promise: He is the best driver in Cup never to win a Championship. He was already afraid he had "set at the table too long" when his determined 2004 run showed he still has it.

Some in the press are acting as if Mark is older than dirt -- Sporting News described him as "wizened" in one article, "grizzled" in another -- and it probably is too much to think Mark might take the Cup in his sunset season. However, this modest but feisty dude is sure to give it everything, just one more time.

Why we love him:

We like Mark; it can be hard to combine humility with success, but he does. It's way cool that he lives in Daytona Beach. And how could the driver of the Viagra car NOT be on the gay fantasy team? Thanks for helping America get real about getting wood, Mark!

Elliott Sadler


BORN ON: April 30, 1975

Born at: Emporia, VA

STAYS AT: Emporia, VA

THIS BIG: 6-2; 195 lbs.

2004 CUP FINISH: 9th

BEST 2004 FINISH: 1st
(Texas, California-Summer)



CAR OWNER: Robert Yates

CREW CHIEF: Todd Parrott


CAR: Ford

How's it hanging?

It would be way big-headed of Gaytona.com to think we helped, but there's no denying that Elliott's career took off like a rocket last year just as soon as we added him to the team. The very day after we put him on, Elliott won the second of the Gatorade 125s to take the outside pole in the Daytona 500 and declared, "this is the greatest day of my life!" He went on to score his second and third career Cup victories and placed in the Chase. Now that he knows his way to Victory Lane, we're hoping Elliott drives that candy car to a lot of delicious wins this year!

Why we love him:

Elliott's got that beefy, fun-loving country boy thing happening for sure. He seems to have a great sense of humor, and it's cute that he lives in his hometown instead of NC like most of the guys.

Ryan Newman


BORN ON: December 8, 1977

BORN AT: South Bend, IN

STAYS AT: Sherrills Ford, NC

THIS BIG: 5-11; 207 lbs.

2004 CUP FINISH: 7th

BEST 2004 FINISH: 1st
(Michigan-Spring, Dover-Fall)



CAR OWNER: Roger Penske

CREW CHIEF: Matt Borland


CAR: Dodge

How's it hanging?

After five seasons in Cup, Ryan has been dubbed Flyin Ryan (for a terrifying tumble in the 2003 Daytona 500) and Fryin Ryan (for a scary fire at Dover later that same year), but the name he comes to is "Rocket Ryan" -- dude has had 27 Cup poles, and he won the most races (eight) in 2003. As everyone loves to point out, Ryan holds an engineering degree from Purdue, and that helps him figure out what to do with a car going 200 mph. Kids, stay in school.

Why we love him:

Like Elliott, Ryan's got loads of big-guy sex appeal. He's also shows a lot of passion for what he does, but without seeming possessed or hateful. Let's go again, Ryan!


Brian Vickers


BORN ON: October 24, 1983

BORN AT: Thomasville, NC

STAYS AT: Thomasville, NC

THIS BIG: 5-11; 160 lbs.

2004 CUP FINISH: 25th

BEST 2004 FINISH: 13th



CAR OWNER: Rick Hendrick

CREW CHIEF: Lance McGrew

SPONSOR: GMAC / ditech.com

CAR: Chevrolet

How's it hanging?

Young Brian won the Busch Championship in 2003 and ran his first full Cup season last year. To say that Brian's season was action-packed understates the truth. Partway through the season, I changed Brian's last name to "Wreckers" in honor of his really entertaining style on the track. Brian wrecked his car at least 11 times, and, in consecutive wrecks, took out Bobby Labonte, Ryan Newman and Dale Jarrett. Of his seven 2004 DNFs, the car was to blame for only one. Still, we need some guys on the team who can move the other cars around a bit and look good doing it.

Why we love him:

Brian's a hottie with a flair for really lively driving. Plus, we felt like Jeff needed a "little buddy" from the Hendricks team to keep him company. Welcome, Gaytona rookie Brian Wreckers, I mean Vickers!

Casey Mears


BORN ON: March 12, 1978

BORN AT: Bakersfield, CA

STAYS AT: Huntersville, NC

THIS BIG: 5-8; 158 lbs.

2004 CUP FINISH: 22nd

BEST 2004 FINISH: 4th
(Watkins Glen)



CAR OWNERr: Chip Ganassi

CREW CHIEF: Jimmy Elledge


CAR: Dodge

How's it hanging?

We've liked Casey for quite a while and considered putting him on the team last year. This year he was anointed the "most improved driver" by Athlon Sports Racing. We saw Casey make a great run for the front last fall in Atlanta. This will be his third Cup season, and, as the saying goes, "third time is the charm". We'll see a Mears victory this year, I'm predicting!

Why we love him:

Casey's a cutie (even though we're a little worried about that "mental patient" haircut he's running around with these days. (Case, take a tip from Elliott and Jr. and let it get a little fluffy!). Also, we love Target and think they do a great job "making the useful beautiful," to paraphrase Oscar Wilde. And, we're also putting Casey on as a "little buddy" for Ganassi teammate Jamie McMurray. Welcome, Casey!

Carl Edwards


Born on: August 15, 1979

Born at: Columbia, MO

Stays at: Mooresville, NC

This big: 6-1; 185 lbs.

2004 CUP FINISH: (only in 13 races)

BEST 2004 FINISH: 4th

HIGHEST CHAMPIONSHIP FINISH: 2005 is first full season


CAR OWNER: Jack Rousch

CREW CHIEF: Bob Osborne

SPONSOR: Office Depot

CAR: Ford

How's it hanging?

How's it hanging? This is Carl's first full season in Cup, but he is ineligible for Rookie of the Year because he ran too many races in 2004. Yet in those 13 starts, Carl pulled off five top 10 finishes -- looking good, dude!

Why we love him:

Love that smile! Carl looks good in the personality department and great on the track. We think he could really shake up Cup this season

Dave Blaney


BORN ON: October 24, 1962

BORN AT: Sharon, PA

STAYS AT: Trinity, NC

THIS BIG: 5-8; 170 lbs.

2004 CUP FINISH: 38th

BEST 2004 FINISH: 11th
(Atlanta-Fall, Texas)



CAR OWNER: Richard Childress

CREW CHIEF: Philippe Lopez

SPONSOR: Jack Daniels

CAR: Chevrolet

How's it hanging?

Dave has a lot of respect in the racing world in spite of the numbers you see here. He's regarded as smart and consistent but has struggled with the business realities of the sport. Dave drove for four owners in 2004 and only dressed out 16 times. Now, for the first time, he has a big bucks ride, and we're expecting great things from him!

Why we love him:

Dave has an alluring, gentle sexiness in interviews and seems like a nice fellow. And please -- they way I enjoy my refreshing race-watching cocktails, it is Absolutly incumbent upon me to support the first-ever whiskey-funded race team? Welcome, Dave! Welcome, Jack Daniels!

Folks, it's like this: We need new guys to keep this fun, and that means some of the guys from last year didn't qualify and are out of provisionals. Nothing personal, fellows.

As they load their equipment back on the haulers, let's say good-bye to:

Kevin Harvick -- Coming down hard from 2001, when his win over Gordon at Atlanta revived a NASCAR nation still stunned by the death of the Intimidator, Kevin has simply gotten too boring. If he perks up, he might can come back.

Matt Kenseth -- Matt has the distinction of being the Champion whose winning season was so boring they changed the rules to make sure nothing like that ever happened again. Aside from a scrape with Harvick last year, Kenseth was super-dull to look at.

Finally, I'm making my last two cuts based on politics. Since Georgia voted in November to discriminate against gays with its stupid anti-gay marriage amendment, I'm discriminating against Georgia by cutting two guys because they're sponsored by Georgia-based companies: Tony Stewart (Home Depot) and Kurt Busch (Sharpie/Rubbermaid). And by the way: Both these boys also qualified for cutting based on the "too boring" rule.)


The Daytona 500 just annouced the starters and it's a cute boy festival! Matthew McConaughey will give the command -- who could forget that time he got arrested at his Texas home for creating a disturbance in the neighborhood as he smoked pot and danced with a bud and played bongos naked? Ashton Kutcher, who campaigned hard for the Democrats, will be the honorary starter! Crank it up, y'all! OK, laddies and ladies, that's our team for this year. Now let's mix up a tall one, call in sick to work (so many of those Speed Week programs come on in the daytime) and get ready to go racing!

Thanks for stopping by the trailer, y'all! I'll see you in DAYTONA!

Betty Jack DeVine

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