Welcome, gay NASCAR fans! Congratulations to the DeVine 91/2's Ryan Newman for an unbelievable EIGHTH Winston Cup victory this year! We were driving back from Florida, playing the race on the radio, when the announcer excitedly call Ryan "the golden boy of 2003."

"Now, where did you first hear that news, Dixie?" I turned and asked Dixie.

"Why, right on Gaytona.com!" Dixie purred, and she was right! With his glittering chain of trophies, Ryan is our Mr. America for the Brave New World. Yet his hard work is under attack by some people who are crying, crying like a tiny baby whose sugar-tit got taken away! Why are they carrying on so? More on that below.

After the prayer by a Lutheran pastor, who reminded us of all the American service people in constant danger (thanks a lot, W), we had the National Anthem by the Coors Light Twins! Down at the beach house where I started watching the race (I heard the last part in the car; watched it later), Sue Pie and I got real excited at the prospect of these vocalizing twins -- but after the very first second of the song, they never showed the twins sing a note! What a rip! We are sure these twins were not singing at all! This disappointment was followed up with a flyover by a Stealth bomber. Those things scare the heck out of me -- I really hate looking at them.

This race was sponsored by ConAgra Foods. It was truly awful to hear the list of the "foods" this company makes -- Slim Jim, Chef Boy R Dee, Banquet TV dinners, I mean, how depressing! Does this company make any "foods" that don't have "abandoned children" written all over them?

One week after his first DNF of the season, Winston Cup points leader Matt Kenseth had more bad luck. While trying to avoid the first of two Michael Waltrip trips into the outside wall, Matt spun, skated across the grass, and crashed his right front corner hard into the wall. He made it to the garage, then sat in the car while they worked on the engine. After a while, he pulled his visor down so no one could see his face. I told Dixie, "If he was wearing a dress, he'd have it pulled up over his head, pouting!" When Matt came back, he was 43 laps down, in 43rd spot. Three races ago, Matt's lead was 436 points -- now, it's just 259. This has second-place Kevin Harvick talking about making a serious run up the points as the season winds down. I predict we'll definitely see the gap continue to close -- NASCAR likes close racing.

As if to duplicate Ryan's early season mishaps, Elliot Sadler went from "flying" in that spectacular wreck at Talladega to "frying" at Kansas. He lost a right front and drove straight into a turn in a hard fiery crash; thankfully, he escaped injury again.

Some laps after Dave Blaney crashed in lap 83 (more work for that cute Bootie Barker!), Kurt Busch blew an engine and had a big fire in his car that was live and "caught on tape" by his car-cam. Kurt wisely drove right to a safety station and they helped him. Good work, fellows.

Ryan pitted repeatedly under caution at lap 182, getting more and more gas. Ryan ran down Jeremy Mayfield for the lead at lap 240 and stayed out during the last caution.

With 9 laps to go, Jeff Gordon rubbed up on Jamie McMurray, giving him a bad tire rub on his left front. Jeff later apologized; it slowed Jamie down and he finished 8th.

This week, our guys took five of the top 10 spots. In the points, Ryan knocked Jimmie Johnson out of 4th, and Tony took 8th from Kurt. Go team!

FUEL MILEAGE MIRACLE?

The Monday press focused on accusations that Ryan's fuel-mileage victories are getting harder and harder to swallow. Lots of the guys came close to saying the C-word (cheating). Already on Saturday, before the race, Jeff Gordon was raising a well-trimmed eyebrow over Ryan's track record of winning on fuel. Post-race, second-place finisher Bill Elliott, who led 115 of 267 laps, suspiciously skipped the obligatory press conference, as did Jamie. (The top three guys and the top rookie are required to attend the press conference; NASCAR may be considering penalties for this in the future; watch it, boys!)

Kevin Harvick was more direct, questioning how "the 15th-place car wins the race and can go 15 laps farther on fuel that the rest of us. If he can do that with his foot, then he's a magician. And I will kiss his butt if he's doing it with his foot."

As for me, I'll kiss Kevin's butt for managing to say both "kiss his butt" and "doing it with his foot" in the same sentence.

Listen folks: If you look at the way NASCAR's inspectors go over these cars, it is difficult to impossible to understand how anybody could hide gasoline in one of these cars. I think the answer is that Ryan's just a brilliant driver, and he's able to make the car work better.

Considering he's won eight races, a cheating scandal would blow the lid off the whole season -- and I don't think that's going to happen. It's also funny to remember that some of the young Gordon's phenomenal early racing provoked cries of cheating from the losers.

Thanks for shopping by the trailer, y'all, and thanks to all the cool fans who are writing in (hey Amy & Amanda, Bill and Lisa)! I'm really excited that we get to have another night race Saturday at Charlotte. Let's all get together at the Track Bar!